PINCHAS 5779

Do you know what a shadchan is? That’s right, it’s a matchmaker. It is a profession that was once very respected among Jews. And then, for some reason it virtually disappeared. And now, for some reason it’s making a comeback. And although there are now some very highly paid matchmakers—mostly for professionals and CEOs—today it mostly comes in the form of dating apps like Tinder, OKCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match, Bumble, Plenty of Fish or Harmony.

You can hardly turn on the tv without seeing an ad for a dating app. One has a good-looking man in his 50s coming out of a fire station politely taking leave of his buddies asking him to out for a drink. He turns to the camera saying, “My life is in order. My job is in order. There is just one aspect that I need to attend to.” And in the next scene, we see him meeting a lady. They kiss on the cheek and walk into a restaurant.

One ad has a woman saying, “I have a good business; I have a good life…now all I need is a relationship with a man.” And in the next scene, we see her downloading the app.

In another, a man over 60 is barbequing as he says, “Online dating? My buddie met a nice woman that way. I’m not sure where to look.” And then a female voice says, “Take out your phone and go to www.OurTime.com and take a look. It’s so easy on OurTime—the dating site for people over 50.”

And there are also Jewish sites like www.sawyouatSinai.com and  www.JRetroMatch.com that combine using the Internet with a real live shadchan. As you can see from these ads, the shadchan (matchmaker) has made a comeback.

You may be wondering why am I talking about matchmaking on Shabbos and what does it have to do with this week’s Torah portion? My colleague Rabbi Jack Reimer writes about an essay he read by Yonatan Bredni that raises the question all singles should think about: What are the characteristics that you should look for in choosing a mate?

Yonatan writes that every so often someone tries to fix him up and asks the same question: “Before we try to fix you up with someone, will you please tell us what you’re looking for in a girl.” It’s a fair question. Whenever he’s asked this question, he rattles off his list of the 4 main characteristics he’s looking for: she should be nice, she should be someone with good character traits like being kind and compassionate, she should be someone with a good sense of humor, and she should be good looking. He’s learned to put “good looking” last, because if you put it 1^st, they’ll think you’re shallow and superficial.

Then Mr. Bredni gives them his “not too” list as a follow-up:

She should be not too tall and not too short; she should be not too thin and not too fat; she should be not too religious and not too secular; she should not be too intellectual and not too un-intellectual; she should not be too aggressive and she should be not too passive.

But then the shadchan usually says: That’s very good, but please tell me what else you’re looking for in a mate beside these obvious things that everyone lists?

You see, he writes, everyone has the very same list. They all ask for a girl who is nice, of good character, with a sense of humor, and who’s nice looking. And so, if your list is exactly the same as every other guy’s list, that doesn’t help the matchmaker in his/her efforts to find the right girl for you.

Yonatan Bredni says that he never could come up with any more characteristics on his own till he read this week’s Torah portion, and it gave him an idea. Today’s parsha tells the story of the daughters of Tzelofchad: Machlah, Noa, Hoglah, Milka and Tirtza. When Moses was dividing the Promised Land by the male family leaders, the daughters of Tzelofchad came forward asking (Num. 27:3): “Our father died and left no sons, only daughters. And so, we would like permission to inherit land in the Land of Israel, so that his share of the land not be lost.” Moses took their case to Gd, and Gd granted their request. This is the 1^st recorded instance of standing up for the rights of women.

Yonatan Bredni writes that when he read this story, he was tempted to put on his list for characteristics of the girl he was looking for: “Someone who is open to the possibility of aliya                                                                                     (moving to Israel), and someone whose father has left her an apartment in Jerusalem.” But then, when he thought it over, he realized that these 5 young women had other qualities as well, and that these were qualities well-worth putting on his “what else” list:

1^st, they had manners. Look how politely they speak. They don’t picket, protest, threaten or yell. They simply make their case – firmly – but politely. And that is an important quality to look for in a mate. You don’t want someone who will make every disagreement into a showdown, do you?

2^nd, they had Jewish commitments. The men panicked every time there was trouble, and said: “Come, let us turn around and go back to Egypt.” These women said the opposite: “We want to go into the land of Israel, and we want to have a share in the land.” In other words, we believe in the vision that this land is our land. They were committed to do whatever it takes to be part of the Jewish vision – that is a good quality to have in a prospective bride.

3^rd, they were not competitive. Did you notice that in one verse their names are mentioned in one order, and further on [Num. 36:11] in another verse, their names are ordered differently? From this, the Sages learn that they were partners and not rivals in making their case. And wouldn’t you want to have a spouse who is not envious or competitive, but who is able to get along with her family and with yours?

And above all, they had courage. Can you imagine the bravery it must have taken for these 5 young women to stand up before Moses, the Kohen Gadol and the heads of the tribes and make their case? Courage is a good quality to look for in a bride, because the journey of life is filled with dangers, and it helps to have a brave woman/man at your side.

So, if you’re creating your personal profile on any of these dating apps and you’re limited as to how many characters you can use…you may write that you’re looking for someone who is, “nice, successful, with a sense of humor…and who is modest, kind, generous and nice looking,” or you may simple say that you’re looking for a daughter of Tzelofchad type of person.”

I, of course, would not think of filling out such a profile. If I did and Cheryl found out you probably would never see me anymore. All kidding aside, if I may say this without embarrassing her, Cheryl, my darling wife, is a bat Tzelofchad. She has all the qualities that these 5 daughters had. She has wisdom: she’s always right! [pause] If she had to make a case before a court, she would arrange her arguments carefully and persuasively, because she’s very smart—much smarter than I.

2^nd, she’s Jewishly committed. She comes to shul every Shabbos and expresses her love and her loyalty to Judaism in so many ways.

3^rd, she’s not an envious person. She’s generous and helpful to others when they’re in need, and honestly pleased for others when they’re happy.

And most of all, she has courage. Can I tell you how much courage she has? She once took one of my favorite jackets that I had worn for over 30 years…that I was emotionally attached to…and just because she thought it no longer fit that well, and just because she thought it looked a bit frayed and torn…do you know what she did? She threw it out??? Without even asking my permission! Can you believe that? Now that’s courage!

Cheryl is truly a disciple of the daughters of Tzelofchad, and so I consider myself fortunate to be married to her, and I will get over the loss of my jacket.

And I say to those of you who are here today who are single, if a friend is trying to be your matchmaker and asks you…or if a dating app asks you: “What kind of a woman/man are you looking for?” You can say all the usual things as to looks, temperament and character you wish…or else just say: “I want someone like the daughters of Tzelofchad.” And may Gd send you, as He did me, the answer to your dreams. And may my jacket rest in peace, wherever it is. Amen!