SHEMINI 5782

Do You Want to be Right, or Do You Want a Relationship?

What a wonderful Shabbos this is. Today we celebrate the wedding of my son Jonathan Kunis to his very beautiful bride Sara with prayer, song, dancing, kiddush and joy. Jonathan has often filled our sanctuary with his beautiful voice, and even since he moved to NY, he still comes back for the High Holy Days to daven for us. Many of you have watched Jonathan grow up. Some of you were at his bris! It’s so fitting that we should we celebrate his marriage here at Shaarei Shamayim.

I don’t have to tell you how awesome a young man Jonathan is: talented, handsome, bright, confident, intelligent and ambitious. If you’ve spent a few moments talking with him, you know what a special talent he has for making everyone feel special and loved. There’s a sweetness, a cheynkeit, about him that draws everyone towards him.

Sara is obviously such a beautiful bride. But truth be told, she is also a beautiful soul—talented, smart, creative and spiritual. There’s a special way she sees and experiences the world that is uniquely hers, and she loves to share it with all.

When 2 people join in marriage, it’s a merging of 2 different personalities—2 different ways of viewing the world. Truth be told, it’s a setup—a perfect set up for conflict. Yes, conflict. There will be times—if you haven’t already noticed—when you disagree—sometimes very strongly. Your challenge is, what do you do when that happens? Do you allow it to damage your relationship…or do you stretch yourself to consider a different path? As I’m fond of telling the couples in therapy with me, “Do you want to be right…or do you want a relationship?”

So, forgive me for a moment if I spend some time speaking at this joyous occasion about what do to when your anger wells up within you. The 1^st person in the Torah to be guilty of an angry rage is Moses in our Torah reading. Moses clearly had a problem with anger. When we 1^st meet him in Egypt, he sees an Egyptian taskmaster beating a Jewish slave. He goes ballistic and kills him. 

         The next day Moses goes out again and he sees 2 Jews fighting, and—instead of minding his own business—he tries to break them up. They turn on him and they say: “Who made you a boss over us?” Moses then had to run for his life.

         Next, we find Moses arriving in Midian and he sees a group of shepherds mistreating the daughters of Yitro, and, instead of minding his own business, he gets involved and drives them away.

         Then, last month, in the sedra of Ki Tisa, Moses really loses it when he comes down from Mt. Sinai and sees Jews dancing around a golden calf! He smashes into pieces the tablets of the 10 Commandment—the holiest objects that ever were. He yells at his brother Aaron for making the calf. He takes his sword and calls for the Levites to join him in punishing those who worshipped the golden calf. Moses is furious. He gives in to his temper and takes action. 

In this week’s parsha, he does it again. On the day of his brother Aaron’s greatest joy—the day of his coronation as the High Priest—something goes very wrong, and 2 of Aaron’s sons die. Aaron is numb—stunned. He can’t talk or move. And yet Moses orders him to proceed with the final rites of the ordination ceremony, as if nothing has happened. When he sees that Aaron and his sons refuse to eat their holy meal as prescribed, Moses becomes furious and yells at them for disobeying his orders.

         Aaron, quietly but confidently, puts him in his place. He explains to Moses that he and his sons cannot eat of the sacrifice as he ordered them to do, because they are onanim, mourners, and Kohanim who are mourners must wait until their loved ones are buried before they can eat of the sacrifices again. They were not refusing to complete their task out of negligence or disrespect—but because they’re mourners.

         When Aaron explains this, Moses understands. He realizes the error is his. And, according to the Midrash (Vayikra Rabba 13:1), he apologizes, explaining to all that he was wrong and his brother, Aaron was right.

Don’t you love this Midrash? In how many other religions or cultures would the greatest hero confess that he had made a mistake? By confessing that he was wrong to the entire people, what a wonderful role model Moses becomes for us.

The great lesson here for me, however, is the destructive consequences of anger. No matter how smart or learned you may be, if you lose your temper, your judgment suffers. And here, because he was angry, he forgot a rule of law. This story cautions us against losing our temper too quickly…for if we don’t, we may make mistakes we’ll regret.

Research at Duke University, the University of North Carolina and elsewhere claim that anger and hostility can shorten your life! In fact, being prone to anger was a stronger predictor of dying young than were other risk factors such as smoking, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol!

So how shall we handle our anger? Here’s some advice from children: Morgan, age 11 says, “When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.” Lezlee, age 11 advises, “When your mother is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ it’s best not to answer her.” 

Here’s some adult advice I’ve shared with you before. I remember standing in line at Hartsfield airport waiting to have our baggage checked. The man standing in front of us didn’t offer the skycap a tip. Instead, he sternly lectured him about taking special care of his 2 bags. He even cursed him when one of his bags tipped over accidentally, then angrily stalked off toward his gate.

         As we stepped up to take our turn, the skycap had this broad grin on his face. I asked him how he was able to keep smiling given the sometimes-difficult people he had to deal with.

         “What do you mean?” he asked.

         “Like that man who just cursed you,” I replied.

         The skycap smiled and said, “Oh, that dude? People like him are easy. You see, he’s heading for L.A., but his bags are going to Detroit!!!” 

Surely the Torah does NOT teach us that we should never be angry. That’s contrary to human nature. And, besides, there are times when it is right and necessary to be angry. The prophets say that Gd hates evil and we should too. And King Solomon teaches in Kohelet (3:8): Eyt leh-ehov v’eyt linso, “There is a time to love and a time to hate,” a time to be angry.

Maimonides (Hilchot Deyot 2:3) quotes the “early Sages”: Kol hako-eys k’ilu oved avodat kochavim (Anyone who gets angry, it’s as if he worshipped idols). So if you get angry, it’s as if you worshipped idols—one of the 3 worst sins!

So how shall we handle our anger? The Torah says that we should emulate Gd and be one who is erech apayim (slow to anger). That means we should be angry when it is appropriate to be angry—but not hastily, not impetuously, not without 1^st giving some thought to the matter. Find out all the circumstances, then consider, “Do I want to be right…or do I want a relationship?”

There’s an old story of the artist who became dissatisfied with his work and told his wife, “I’m going out to search for the most important, the most beautiful thing in the world, and that’s the picture I must paint.” His travels took him to many countries. He saw many things that were beautiful, but he was not satisfied. He did not find what he was looking for.

         One day he stopped a bride on her wedding day. “Tell me,” he said to the radiant young girl, “what is the most beautiful thing in the world?” 

         “Love,” she answered without hesitation. The artist went on his way disappointed because he couldn’t paint love.

         Sometime later he met a soldier returning from war. “Soldier,” he said. “What’s the most beautiful thing in the world?” 

         “Peace,” the soldier answered as he hurried home. Again, the artist was disappointed for he couldn’t paint peace.

         Continuing his search, he stopped a Rabbi on the way to shul. Surely this holy man could help him. But the Rabbi answered simply, “Faith, my son, is the most beautiful thing in the world.” But how could one paint a picture of faith?

         The artist felt his search was hopeless and returned home, weary in body and in soul. Then, when his wife warmly greeted him, he found the love of which the bride had spoken. All about his home was the feeling of security, the tranquil peace that the soldier thought so beautiful. And in the eyes of his young children was the faith described by the Rabbi.

         Here was the subject for his painting—his family and his home! This would be his masterpiece.

My friends, the most crucial task incumbent upon every Jewish marriage is to create a home that is a bayit ne-eman b’Yisrael—a home filled with faith, peace and love. My prayer for Jonathan and Sarah is that 50 years hence, your masterpiece will be your home. Amen!