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MOTHER’S DAY 5783
Today’s Jewish Mother
I went to buy a Mother’s Day card—as I usually do the week before Mother’s Day—and it hit me that I no longer have a mother! It never gets easy. It’s been 11 years, and I still miss her. I still sometimes reach for the phone to call her. I think I always will. I took a moment … and then I bought a card for Cheryl because she’s such an amazing mother—not only to her kids, but to mine as well.
This got me to think about the state of motherhood today. While I was shopping for a card, I noticed something I had never seen before. There were greeting cards for “Momies (plural) Day” that read, “For Both My Moms.” Clearly motherhood today is different from my mom’s generation.
My mom was way ahead of her time—wearing tight genes and heels even as a great grandmother. In our world, however, it’s not so radical to see this anymore. For the most part, she was a stay-at-home mom—at least till all her kids were in school for a while. My mom made dinner every night and Shabbos dinner every Friday night. Her whole world was centered on her kids.
In my mom’s generation, every woman took it for granted she was going to be a mother. Not today! Today, society has told young women that becoming a mother is a choice—even if you’re married—that being a mother is NOT what’s expected of you. And so, the US birthrate has plummeted just in past 16 years 20%! And today, according to CDC, 40% of births are not to a traditional married father and mother family.
The media is no help. It portrays not being married while having kids as no big deal—on almost every series and movie. And it offers a defeated image of today’s mother as a disheveled, stressed-out woman looking for a glass of wine. And so, most Mother’s Day gift suggestions focus on pampering: coupons for spa days, manicures and pedicures. The underlying message is that all mothers want is a break from their kids—that they’re victims of motherhood. This, however, doesn’t match the reality I see. Today’s Jewish mothers I know are proud moms, for motherhood has elevated and dignified them.
For those young women who might think of avoiding becoming a mom, let me share this (anonymous) piece about motherhood called, “Before I was a Mom.”
Before I was a Mom … I made and ate hot meals. I had unstained clothing. I had quiet conversations on the phone.
Before I was a Mom ... I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday…
Before I was a Mom ... I had never been puked on, pooped on, spit on, chewed on, peed on or pinched by tiny fingers. I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts, and my body. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom ... I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom ... I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn’t want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn’t stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom ... I didn’t know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn’t know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn’t know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn’t know that something so small could make me feel so important.
Before I was a Mom ... I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment, or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.
While perhaps it’s true that some women should not be mothers, I don’t know women like that. I do know, however, women who desperately want to be mothers, but, for whatever reason, are not yet. And I know other women who have found non-traditional ways to be a mother by adopting or even by being a mom to someone who needs one.
To be a mother is to be Gd’s partner in bringing life to this word. But being a mother is also to nurture and sustain a child. It’s an amazing opportunity for personal growth—to discover you are more than you ever thought yourself capable of being.
Yes, that’s some of what a mother learns from her children. What have we learned from our mothers? Here’s a little piece that expresses some of that, titled: “Things My Mother Taught Me.”
· My Mother taught me LOGIC...“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.
· My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
· My Mother taught me INTUITION...“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
· My Mother taught me HUMOR...“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
· My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
· My mother taught me about GENETICS...“You are just like your father!”
· My mother taught me about my ROOTS...“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
· My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...“Just wait until your father gets home.”
· My mother taught me about JUSTICE...“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU... then you’ll see what it’s like.”
The truth is, we’ve all learned a lot from our mothers—though we never might have admitted it growing up! What did I learn from my mother? There’s a poem, written for my mothers’ generation, called, “All I Got Was Words,” whose last verse says it best for me:
Things I’ve gotten; things I’ve learned—Yet [this] I remember:
Zog dem emes [Speak the truth]
Gib Tzedaka [Give charity]
Hub rachmonas [Be compassionate]
Zei a mentch! [Be a mentch!]
All I got was words, but it was plenty!
Let me conclude with a quote by Cardinal József Mindszenty that appeared in yesterday’s Wall Street Journal: The most important person on earth is a mother. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral—a dwelling for an immortal soul. … What on Gd’s good earth is more glorious than this: to be a mother?
My friends, Hallmark may have brought us Mother’s Day on the 2nd Sunday of May, but our Torah has taught us the value of motherhood for thousands of years. Our perspective on our mothers is not of a disheveled, stressed-out woman looking for a glass of wine to help her escape her miserable life. Rather, being a mother is considered in our tradition the most noble, the most holy, and the most meaningful accomplishment a woman can achieve in her life. And if our mothers need a little glass of Chardonnay or a schnapps every once in a while, gezunta heyt, they’ve earned it!
My friends, let’s all use this Mother’s Day to remind us of how crucial our mothers and wives are. Tomorrow, we’ll hug and kiss them and tell them how we appreciate them as we hang out together. But you know what? Let’s do it again the next day and the day after and every day. To all moms and moms to be, have the very best Mother’s Day ever. Amen!
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