NASO 5783

Raising Up

When Hollywood puts out a movie and wants to show a Jewish wedding, there is one scene that it must have. There must be a scene of wedding guests dancing while lifting the bride and groom up on chairs. To make it even more clear that the wedding is Jewish, the band plays Hava Nagila as they are dancing. A good example is a scene in the classic movie “Wedding Crashers.” In a Jewish wedding, we lift up the bride and groom.

Based on the Hebrew word for “wedding,” the scene of lifting the bride and groom makes sense. The Hebrew word for “wedding” is n’suin. It’s the plural of the word “raising up.” It’s because in a Jewish marriage, the bride and groom raise each other up.

N’suin also echoes the title of this week’s Torah portion Naso. The parsha begins with Gd commanding Moses: Naso et rosh b’ney Gershon gam heym, l’veyt avotam l’mishp’chotam (Take a census of the Gershonites also, by their ancestral house and by their clans). The word for “take a census” is Naso. But the word literally means “lift up.” Moses is to lift up each of the tribes according to their ancestral homes, giving each special consideration.

To the Biblical mind, a census is more than counting numbers. It was a symbol of raising up each tribe—showing how each was special, how each was to be counted—meaning that each was important. This is particularly true later in this portion when Moses counted the tribe of Levi. Each family was given a special role in carrying and setting up the tabernacle—raising up their status in the process.

Getting back to lifting the bride and groom up on chairs. It’s message is that in a healthy marriage, the bride and groom lift each other up. It reminds me of the powerful song, “You Raise Me Up,” by Josh Groban:

         You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains.

         You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas.

         I am strong when I am on your shoulders.

         You raise me up to more than I can be.

When you need a lift, I recommend playing this song, which has become Groban’s signature number.

I once spoke with a couple who had been married 65 years—65 years, can you imagine? That’s so amazing! How does a couple get to 65 years of marriage? I suppose it starts with both partners staying healthy well into their senior years. But the other part is for each partner to be aware of the needs of their partner and lift them up by trying to help them with those needs. Sometimes one partner is more in need of a lift and sometimes the other. Often it flips back and forth.

I recently heard the story of a senior couple that was asked at their 50^th anniversary, what is the secret of the longevity of your marriage. The husband said, “It only works when one partner gives in to the other.”

         When asked, which partner are you—the one who gives in or the one who doesn’t? He responded, “We take turns!” Don’t you just love that: “We take turns!”

The Hebrew word for marriage—n’suin—indicates how each partner must take turns to raise up the other.

On the flip side—as a couples’ therapist—I see too many failed marriages. Too often these were bad marriages to begin with. Perhaps the partners were not that compatible, or one partner doesn’t make much of an effort. Too often, there’s an addiction or some catastrophic event that blocks progress. Such a catastrophic event is hinted to in today’s Torah portion—the case of a Sotah. The Torah tells us that when a husband is jealous and suspicious of his wife and nothing she says can allay that suspicion, they should come to a kohen priest in the Mishkan or Temple and he will give her special drink that will prove her innocence or guilt. It’s a way for a couple to restore peace in the relationship.

The rabbi’s, however, were not happy with a husband not trusting his wife. The Talmud records a case where a husband gives his wife money to run the household. He suspects that she is misusing the funds and takes her to a Bet Din Jewish court. The Bet Din, however, refuses to hear the case. Instead it says to the husband, “If you don’t trust her, divorce her. But if you want to remain married to her, you must trust her!” When you trust your partner, you raise him or her up.  

When I talk with couples going through a hard time, too often I hear partners putting each other down. It’s the opposite of raising up. I’m talking about people who feel no pride or joy in the person they once promised to love and cherish forever. Of course they’re in pain. But that’s no excuse to ignore all the good in their partner. It’s the sad shadow of the joy of lifting up one’s partner.

As a rabbi, I’ve attended countless weddings. When the bride and groom were announced at the dinner, I used to rush in to help lift the bride or groom up on chairs. Then, sometime after I turned 60, I decided that I would leave that job to younger people with stronger backs. Besides, as the rabbi, I have my opportunity to lift the couple up. I get to speak to the couple during the ceremony. I tell each one to look into the other’s eyes. Then I ask them, what can each of you do to make this person happier, more successful, more fulfilled? What can each of you do to raise one another up? It’s my role as the officiant.

I know that couples cannot always focus on what I say at that important moment. That’s the joy of having a video of the wedding. The couple can watch it later, and eventually show it to their children. I only hope they don’t edit out my message.

Yes, a successful marriage begins when a couple learns to raise one another up. How do they do that? Here’s Rabbi Kunis’ formula for raising up your partner. 2 things:

         #1: Every single day, say at least 2 things to your partner to show how much you appreciate them. It could be a complement about how they look, or things that they do, or the way they are. For example. You can tell your partner you like their outfit. You can praise your partner telling them how kind and compassionate they are. You can praise them for their astuteness, intelligence, or how well they handles a given situation. So, say at least 2 “appreciations” every day.

         #2: Do at least 2 “caring behaviors” every day. It doesn’t have to be very extravagant—although giving a piece of jewelry usually works pretty well. It can be something very simple that says to your partner, “I’m thinking about you, and I care.” It could be something like buying for your partner their favorite candy, or calling your partner at work just to say, “I was thinking about you.” It could be bringing your partner a coffee or some tea, or making dinner when it’s not your turn. And you know, if it makes your partner happy, you can repeat that caring behavior again tomorrow and the next day.

Each time you do an appreciation or a caring behavior, you bring positivity—positive energy—into the relationship. And you know what? The one who does these things will feel just as good as the one who receives it. Because in raising up your partner, you raise up yourself as well.

Today’s Torah reading presents the priestly blessings telling the kohanim priests how to bless the Jewish people. The last of the 3 blessings is Yisa Hashem panav eylecha, v’yaseym l’cha shalom (May Hashem raise up his countenance upon you and grant you peace). When Hashem raises up His countenance upon us, He raises us up and peace is a result. When you make the effort to raise up your partner, the result is Shalom Bayit—a real loving peace at home as you raise up yourself as well. Let me end by blessing you: Yisa Hashem panav eylecha, v’yaseym l’cha shalom (May Hashem raise up his countenance upon you and grant you peace). Amen!