VAYIGASH 5784

Slow Down, Displaying Your Anger Never Helps

A rabbi went to his shul on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the synagogue parking lot. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the rabbi to the Health Department.

         The Health Department said that since there was no immediate health threat, he should call the Sanitation Department. The manager of the Sanitation Department said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

         Now the rabbi knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him—for the mayor had a bad temper and was generally difficult. But he had no choice and made the call. The mayor did not disappoint him. He began to rant and rave at the rabbi and finally said, “Why did you call me? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”

         The rabbi was furious. He closed his eyes for a brief prayer and asked Gd to give him patience and a good answer. After a few moments, he replied, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

My friends, controlling our emotions—especially our anger—is a challenge we all face. And let’s admit that it’s not always possible to control our emotions. There are cases that are simply so painful they cause us to break down or blow up.

We see it in this week’s Torah portion as Joseph reaches his breaking point in dealing with his brothers. They had come to Egypt seeking grain during the great famine. They didn’t recognize Joseph who was now Prime Minister of Egypt and whom they had not seen for 22 years. Joseph treated them harshly, took their brother Simon hostage, and sent them home to bring brother Benjamin. When they returned with Benjamin, Joseph accused him of stealing his silver goblet.

All this was a setup to see if his brothers had changed from the gang that sold him into slavery. When Joseph heard them tell each other how sorry they were for what they had done to him years ago—not realizing Joseph could understand them speaking Hebrew—the Torah (Gen. 45:1) tells us: V’lo yachol Yosef l’hitapeyk (Joseph was not able to restrain himself). So, he cleared the room and said to his brothers: Ani Yosef achichem asher m’chartem oti Mitzrayima (I am Joseph your brother whom you sold into Egypt)!

This was Joseph’s breaking point. It’s understandable that he could no longer restrain himself. The amazing thing, however, is that up until that moment, he did restrain himself. It’s amazing that when Joseph first saw them, he didn’t reveal himself, chastise them, beat them or kill them. He somehow kept his composure demonstrating such a high threshold for not losing it—and that’s incredible, something we all need to learn from Joseph.

Learning to control our emotions is one of the great lessons in our parsha. I’m not saying that we need to be like Mr. Spock and the Vulcans of Star Trek. I’m not saying that we should be emotionless like the Artificial Intelligence on our computers. But I do believe that we need to control our emotions as much as possible. As a couples’ therapist I ask my couples all the time, “Did raising your voice ever get you the best result for you?” Never once did anyone say, “Yes.”

If you look through the Torah, you’ll see disaster after disaster that a lack of emotional control causes. Here’s a sampling:

·       Cain kills Abel because he can’t control his anger and jealousy.

·   Esav gives up his birthright because his hunger overrules his brain.

·      Simon and Levi kill a whole town because their rage about their sister Dinah’s rape knows no boundaries.

·       Moses orders the death of thousands because of the sin of the Golden Calf.

My friends, these passages reflect the reality of our lives. For some, all it takes is a little push and they go boom. Consider this from the BBC: A man in the US city of Colorado Springs faces police action after becoming so frustrated with his computer that he took it outside and shot it 8 times … Lucas Hinch “shot the darn thing” when ctrl+alt+delete—the traditional method used to re-boot computers—consistently did not work on Monday evening … The computer is not expected to recover.”

I am sad to report that even houses of Gd are not immune: In North Wales, Pennsylvania, at the Keystone Fellowship Church, Mark Storms found a man sitting in his seat and told him to get out so he could sit in his seat. Rather than move, the man started arguing with him. There was some shoving, some potty mouth, and all of a sudden, Mark Storms brings out a semiautomatic handgun and blows the guy away. In church!

Let me ask you: Do you find yourself getting ticked off more often than you used to? If the answer is yes, you’re not alone. Some 84% of people surveyed said Americans are angrier today compared with a generation ago (NPR-IBM Watson Health poll). When asked about their own feelings, 42% of those polled said they were angrier in the past year than they had been the year before. What makes people mad today?

·       1^st of all, it’s the News: 68% of respondents said they got angry at least once a day after reading or hearing something upsetting in the news.

·       Next comes Social Media: People are more likely to express their anger on social media than in person—said 9 out of 10 people.

·       Women are angrier than men. Whites are angrier than blacks. Both rich and poor are a lot less angry than the middle class. So, if you’re a white, middle-class woman who scans the headlines all day, you’re more likely than not to be among the angriest of Americans.

Research at Duke University, the University of North Carolina and elsewhere claim that anger and hostility can shorten your life! In fact, being prone to anger was a stronger predictor of dying young than smoking, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol!

So how shall we handle our anger? Here’s some advice from Morgan, age 11: “When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.” Lezlee, also age 11 advises, “When your mother is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ it’s best not to answer.” 

Surely the Torah does NOT teach us that we should never be angry. There are times when it is right and necessary to be angry. The prophets say that Gd hates evil and we should too. And King Solomon teaches in Kohelet (3:8): Eyt leh-ehov v’eyt linso, “There is a time to love and a time to hate”—a time to be angry.

Maimonides (Hilchot Deyot 2:3) quotes the early Sages: “Anyone who gets angry, it’s as if he worshipped idols”—one of the 3 worst sins! Wow, anger is like idolatry! Again, so how shall we handle our anger? The Torah says that we should emulate Gd and like Gd, be one who is erech apayim (slow to anger). This means we should be angry when it is appropriate to be angry, and like Joseph, not hastily, not impetuously, not without first giving it some thought.

First, find out what the facts are so we don’t judge without knowing all the circumstances. Being “slow to anger” means not bursting out with accusations and then finding out afterwards that we misjudged—that the person whom we are angry at, is innocent.

How many times have we all done that? He walked by and didn’t even say hello??? And then we find out what was going on in his life at that moment and why he was so preoccupied. He didn’t give as much to this charity I was volunteering for as I thought he should. And then we find out what other financial burdens he was carrying, and we’re embarrassed at having misjudged him. Like Jospeh, instead of “flying off the handle,” we need to slow down. Like Joseph with his brothers, instead of “losing it,” we need to find within ourselves the patience to make sure that we are right before we act.

The increasing anger and hate at the pro-Hamas antisemitic rallies are a case in point. Most of the participants, I suspect, are being manipulated and have little idea of what they are protesting for, little idea of the history of Israel and the Arabs, and little idea of what Hamas really stands for.

My friends, we all need to learn how to take a step back when emotions well up, take a deep breath, get some perspective, and extinguish the fuse of our rage before the explosion. May Gd help us confront all the challenges life throws at us in a manner that would make Him proud. Amen!