PASSOVER 5782 1^st DAY

Do you ever feel stuck—shackled by life’s pressures? Are you stuck in a job you don’t want and feel your dreams slipping away? How many times have we felt inspired to make a change and said to ourselves, “That’s it, I’m done. I’m ready to start exercising, start a diet, get off my phone, off social media and just spend more time with my children, my family?” And then we find ourselves right back where we started. How do we break free? This is what Passover is all about.

You see Passover is much more than the holiday commemorating the Exodus of the Jewish people from Egypt. The Hebrew word for Egypt, Mitzraim, comes from the word meytzarim (constraints). Passover is the time where each of us can break free from whatever is constraining us—holding us back. That’s why at the Seder night there are 3 essential words that we are commanded to internalize and explain. It’s because they are the 3 steps to personal freedom: and they are Pesach, Matzah, and Mara.

Pesach literally means that Gd passed over our homes and saved us. Kabbalah teaches that Pesach is a conjunction of 2 words peh (mouth) and sach (talking): peh sach, a “talking mouth.”

We were enslaved in the hands of Pharaoh. Pharaoh, or Paroh in Hebrew, is also a conjunction of 2 words, peh (mouth) and rah (evil) or “evil talk.” How many times do we enslave ourselves with negative speech? And I don’t only mean lashon hara (gossip). It’s also when we put ourselves down saying, “I can’t do it. It’s not for me.”

The 1^st step to liberating ourselves, is having positive speech. Pump yourself up. Tell yourself when your challenged, “I can do it. I got this.” If you do that, you’ll be taking the 1^st step to personal freedom.

The 2^nd step to personal freedom is in the word Matzah. Matzah is one of the most recognizable Jewish items. What’s more Jewish than matzah? It’s up there with the shofar, the menorah, and of course matzah ball soup. We all know why we eat matzah on Passover. A long time ago when the Jews leaving Egypt there wasn’t enough time to bake bread. The Jews were so busy rushing, they threw the dough on their backs and later baked it into crackers.

What? Could that be? Gd shows up in Egypt and brings 10 of the coolest plagues ever: blood, frogs, lice, locusts, darkness. By the time the Jews are ready to leave, Egypt is upside down.

Jewish motivational speaker Charlie Harary is fond of asking, “Couldn’t Gd have arranged for us to have a late check-out?” Why did we have to run out like fugitives? Why couldn’t we leave like normal people? And yet, this technical difficulty of not having enough time to bake bread, became the symbol of the Exodus, the symbol of our freedom and Independence?

My friends, Judaism is not a commemorative religion. We don’t do things just because we did them a long time ago. Judaism is dynamic—it’s relevant. We use history as a window into something much deeper to better our lives today.

Mitzrayim, Egypt, constraints, is both a historical place and an everyday reality. We all have constraints, aspects of our lives that are lacking…areas in which we feel unable to grow and change for the better…relationships that are strained…talents unfulfilled …frustrations, disappointments and failures we see in ourselves and others. We’re looking to break free of these constraints.

Sometimes, the opportunities we’re looking for that can change our lives, present themselves right before our eyes. It’s a moment that requires us to step up and grab it. We know it will bring us a little bit closer to greatness, but there’s a catch. Growth moments are almost always wrapped in challenge, in difficulty and in discomfort.

And when these moments present themselves, we get stuck. We know we should do it, but we can’t bring ourselves to do it. We know we should make the call. We know we should be healthier. We know we should learn more. We know we should be more patient and kind and generous and tolerant—but it’s hard and we’re tired.

What’s the difference between bread and matzah? Time. Matzah must be made in a hurry—less than 18 minutes—so that the dough doesn’t rise. When we get a moment of inspiration, when we want to create a change in our lives, we must seize the moment. Don’t procrastinate, don’t hesitate. Like baking matzah, do it right away.

Too often we come up with this brilliant response. “Later! I’ll do it later. No, I want to and I’m going to, but at the end of the day, it’s almost the weekend. I should do it after the holidays, or when the kids are out of the house. You know what? When my business improves. No, after I retire.” Later is a great way to avoid what we know we need to do. But, later is the 1^st step to never!

Matzah doesn’t just commemorate how we left Egypt 3,000 years ago. It’s the symbol of how we can get out of Egypt every day of our lives. Gd deliberately rushed us out of Egypt to teach us that freedom doesn’t wait till it’s convenient. We need to run to opportunities. We shouldn’t walk, and we definitely shouldn’t stroll. Chametz is later and matzah is now. It’s the difference between a life of meaning or a life of mediocrity. Chametz or matzah? This is why matzah is the 2^nd symbol of personal freedom.

Lastly, there’s the mara, the bitter herbs we eat to remember the bitter years of slavery in Egypt. But why dwell on the pain of the past? We’re free now. You know why? Because people sometimes think, “If only I didn’t have such challenges and hardships in my life, I would be a much happier person.”

The truth is, it’s our challenges that bring out the greatness within us. We eat the mara to remember to step into those challenges, to overcome the pain. So, eat the mara. Dare to do something new. Step out of your comfort zone.

My friends, Passover is your chance to grow and break free. Just follow the 3 steps of the Haggadah:

#1, Peh Sach: positive speech, believe in yourself and verbalize it.

#2, Matzah: don’t procrastinate, seize the moment,

and #3, Maror: step into life’s challenges and choose to grow.

Chag kasher v’sameyach. Have a happy and joyous Passover. May this Pesach be a time of growth for all of us. Amen!

SHABBAT HAGADOL 5782-2 Hey Will Smith, Are You Truly Free? Today is a special Shabbat: Shabbat Hagadol, the Great Sabbath—the Shabbat before Passover. Today we commemorate the 1st act that the Jews took in Egypt to show that they were free. Moses ordered the Jewish people (Ex. 12:3): v’yikchu lahem ish…seh labayit (and you shall take for yourselves…a lamb for each household). This was to be the lamb they would slaughter a few days later to eat at the 1st Seder, and smear its blood on their doorposts in anticipation of that moment in time when the Angel of Death would come and destroy the Egyptian firstborn, and the Jews would be free. Can you imagine the courage this took? The Egyptians worshipped the lamb, and Moses ordered the Jewish slaves to take this Egyptian god and tie it up outside their homes for a few days so that the Egyptians will see their defiance. After hundreds of years of slavery, we can only imagine what courage this took! It was the 1st step culminating in their freedom. When would they truly be free? My colleague, Rabbi Mitchell Wohlberg, points out what the Jews soon did to indicate that they were truly free. Actually, it’s something they didn’t do on their way out of Egypt—they didn’t take revenge! They Egyptian people were in turmoil. There was screaming all throughout Egypt after the Angel of Death struck all their firstborn. The Jews were then free to take revenge on their enemies, on their oppressors. They had every reason in the world and every right in the world to do that. The Egyptians enslaved them for 210 years. They killed their baby boys. And yet the Jews just left. There was no act of revenge taken. My teacher at Yeshiva University, the dean of 20th Century Modern Orthodoxy, Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik, writes:          Would we blame the Jews if they had engaged in a few acts of vandalism and even murder on the night of the 15th of Nisan—killing a few of the taskmasters who had thrown their babies into the Nile?          Still, the Jews, at the command of Gd, said no. They defied themselves and refused to gratify a basic need of the human being—the need for revenge. But by defeating themselves, they also won the greatest of all victories. They became free.          This is exactly what we commemorate and celebrate on the night of the Seder. The Jews were entitled to be filled with anger and the desire for revenge. It would have been understandable. But they controlled themselves. They were free to do the right thing.  This reminds me of the account told by Elie Wiesel and others about what Jews did after being liberated from the Auschwitz concentration camp. They did not seek to find guns and search for every German they could find to kill. After all the Germans killed almost all their families—their grandparents, their fathers, their mothers, their siblings, their babies. But no, they gathered together, made a minyan, davened and said Kaddish for their families. It was not revenge on their minds. No, it was the souls of their departed loved ones. Today, events in the Ukraine have evoked all sorts of feelings. It’s such a mix-up of having a Ukraine—with which we have such a bad history of a 1,000 years of the worst bloodshed and violence committed against Jews—and now having a president of the Ukraine who’s Jewish! Some have suggested we shouldn’t care about the Ukrainians because of this. After all, Bogdan Chmielnitzki killed 100,000 Jews and there’s still a statue glorifying him in Kyiv. There are even 3 Ukrainian military medals established recently—the Order of Bogdan Chmielnitzki 1st, 2nd and 3rd Class—that are named after, next to Hitler, the greatest enemy and slaughter of the Jewish people. So, who cares about the Ukrainians? But you know what? We have to let go of those feelings for revenge. Otherwise, we’ll never be free to be you and me. All of us carry our own little events in life that are not so little—that weigh on us. One of my colleagues described as follows: Many of us continue to carry heavy baggage without even appreciating we have an option to put it down. [Saying things like:] “He really badmouthed me behind my back.” Or, “Can you believe they scheduled the Bar Mitzvah on the same day I had already reserved for my daughter’s wedding.” Or, “She absolutely humiliated me at the committee meeting after I worked myself to the bone for this project.” Or, “I’ve been taking care of that for the past 5 years and not once did he visit for more than a couple of hours; not once did he ask if I needed any help.” Many of us carry that kind of baggage. But ask yourself, what these people did to you, was it any worse than being slapped in the face in front of millions of people, as Will Smith did at the Oscars to Chris Rock? Smith was angry. He had every reason to feel hurt and insulted. My initial reaction when I saw the video of what happened was to say, “Good for him for standing up and protecting his wife.” Then I asked myself, “Would I have done the same thing?” The answer was an emphatic, NO! I don’t believe that violence—except in self-defense—is ever justified. The last time I threw a punch at someone was at a bully twice my size in kindergarten who wouldn’t leave me alone. After that he did! Will Smith didn’t have to slap a Chris Rock to show how he felt. Wouldn’t it have been so much more effective if he had the presence of mind to go up to the podium, and instead of slapping Chris Rock, say that this kind of humor is hurtful and inappropriate. He could have accepted his Oscar and made an important statement about his wife and her illness. And the whole world would have applauded him. My friends, we show that we are really free when we don’t give in to our most negative and base instincts. The Jews didn’t strike back at the Egyptians and so they were free. We have the ability not to strike back and let others define who we are. Have a Chag Kasher v’sameyach, a Kosher and joyous Passover, and let’s be free as we enjoy our Festival of Freedom. Amen!

SHABBAT HAGADOL 5782 Hey Chris Rock, Are You Truly Free? Today is a special Shabbat: Shabbat Hagadol, the Great Sabbath—the Shabbat before Passover. Today we commemorate the 1st act that the Jews took in Egypt to show that they were free. Moses ordered the Jewish people (Ex. 12:3): v’yikchu lahem ish…seh labayit (and you shall take for yourselves…a lamb for each household). This was to be the lamb they would slaughter a few days later to eat at the 1st Seder, and smear its blood on their doorposts in anticipation of that moment in time when the Angel of Death would come and destroy the Egyptian firstborn, and the Jews would be free. Can you imagine the courage this took? The Egyptians worshipped the lamb, and Moses ordered the Jewish slaves to take this Egyptian god and tie it up outside their homes for a few days so that the Egyptians will see their defiance. After hundreds of years of slavery, we can only imagine what courage this took! It was the 1st step culminating in their freedom. When would they truly be free? My colleague, Rabbi Mitchell Wohlberg, points out what the Jews soon did to indicate that they were truly free. Actually, it’s something they didn’t do on their way out of Egypt—they didn’t take revenge! They Egyptian people were in turmoil. There was screaming all throughout Egypt after the Angel of Death struck all their firstborn. The Jews were then free to take revenge on their enemies, on their oppressors. They had every reason in the world and every right in the world to do that. The Egyptians enslaved them for 210 years. They killed their baby boys. And yet the Jews just left. There was no act of revenge taken. My teacher at Yeshiva University, the dean of 20th Century Modern Orthodoxy, Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik, writes:          Would we blame the Jews if they had engaged in a few acts of vandalism and even murder on the night of the 15th of Nisan—killing a few of the taskmasters who had thrown their babies into the Nile?          Still, the Jews, at the command of Gd, said no. They defied themselves and refused to gratify a basic need of the human being—the need for revenge. But by defeating themselves, they also won the greatest of all victories. They became free.          This is exactly what we commemorate and celebrate on the night of the Seder. The Jews were entitled to be filled with anger and the desire for revenge. It would have been understandable. But they controlled themselves. They were free to do the right thing.  This reminds me of the account told by Elie Wiesel and others about what Jews did after being liberated from the Auschwitz concentration camp. They did not seek to find guns and search for every German they could find to kill. After all the Germans killed almost all their families—their grandparents, their fathers, their mothers, their siblings, their babies. But no, they gathered together, made a minyan, davened and said Kaddish for their families. It was not revenge on their minds. No, it was the souls of their departed loved ones. Today, events in the Ukraine have evoked all sorts of feelings. It’s such a mix-up of having a Ukraine—with which we have such a bad history of a 1,000 years of the worst bloodshed and violence committed against Jews—and now having a president of the Ukraine who’s Jewish! Some have suggested we shouldn’t care about the Ukrainians because of this. After all, Bogdan Chmielnitzki killed 100,000 Jews and there’s still a statue glorifying him in Kyiv. There are even 3 Ukrainian military medals established recently—the Order of Bogdan Chmielnitzki 1st, 2nd and 3rd Class—that are named after, next to Hitler, the greatest enemy and slaughter of the Jewish people. So, who cares about the Ukrainians? But you know what? We have to let go of those feelings for revenge. Otherwise, we’ll never be free to be you and me. All of us carry our own little events in life that are not so little—that weigh on us. One of my colleagues described as follows: Many of us continue to carry heavy baggage without even appreciating we have an option to put it down. [Saying things like:] “He really badmouthed me behind my back.” Or, “Can you believe they scheduled the Bar Mitzvah on the same day I had already reserved for my daughter’s wedding.” Or, “She absolutely humiliated me at the committee meeting after I worked myself to the bone for this project.” Or, “I’ve been taking care of that for the past 5 years and not once did he visit for more than a couple of hours; not once did he ask if I needed any help.” Many of us carry that kind of baggage. But ask yourself, what these people did to you, was it any worse than being slapped in the face in front of millions of people, as Will Smith did at the Oscars to Chris Rock? Smith was angry. He had every reason to feel hurt and insulted. My initial reaction when I saw the video of what happened was to say, “Good for him for standing up and protecting his wife.” Then I asked myself, “Would I have done the same thing?” The answer was an emphatic, NO! I don’t believe that violence—except in self-defense—is ever justified. The last time I threw a punch at someone was at a bully twice my size in kindergarten who wouldn’t leave me alone. After that he did! Will Smith didn’t have to slap a Chris Rock to show how he felt. Wouldn’t it have been so much more effective if he had the presence of mind to go up to the podium, and instead of slapping Chris Rock, say that this kind of humor is hurtful and inappropriate. He could have accepted his Oscar and made an important statement about his wife and her illness. And the whole world would have applauded him. My friends, we show that we are really free when we don’t give in to our most negative and base instincts. The Jews didn’t strike back at the Egyptians and so they were free. We have the ability not to strike back and let others define who we are. Have a Chag Kasher v’sameyach, a Kosher and joyous Passover, and let’s be free as we enjoy our Festival of Freedom. Amen!

SHEMINI 5782

Do You Want to be Right, or Do You Want a Relationship?

What a wonderful Shabbos this is. Today we celebrate the wedding of my son Jonathan Kunis to his very beautiful bride Sara with prayer, song, dancing, kiddush and joy. Jonathan has often filled our sanctuary with his beautiful voice, and even since he moved to NY, he still comes back for the High Holy Days to daven for us. Many of you have watched Jonathan grow up. Some of you were at his bris! It’s so fitting that we should we celebrate his marriage here at Shaarei Shamayim.

I don’t have to tell you how awesome a young man Jonathan is: talented, handsome, bright, confident, intelligent and ambitious. If you’ve spent a few moments talking with him, you know what a special talent he has for making everyone feel special and loved. There’s a sweetness, a cheynkeit, about him that draws everyone towards him.

Sara is obviously such a beautiful bride. But truth be told, she is also a beautiful soul—talented, smart, creative and spiritual. There’s a special way she sees and experiences the world that is uniquely hers, and she loves to share it with all.

When 2 people join in marriage, it’s a merging of 2 different personalities—2 different ways of viewing the world. Truth be told, it’s a setup—a perfect set up for conflict. Yes, conflict. There will be times—if you haven’t already noticed—when you disagree—sometimes very strongly. Your challenge is, what do you do when that happens? Do you allow it to damage your relationship…or do you stretch yourself to consider a different path? As I’m fond of telling the couples in therapy with me, “Do you want to be right…or do you want a relationship?”

So, forgive me for a moment if I spend some time speaking at this joyous occasion about what do to when your anger wells up within you. The 1^st person in the Torah to be guilty of an angry rage is Moses in our Torah reading. Moses clearly had a problem with anger. When we 1^st meet him in Egypt, he sees an Egyptian taskmaster beating a Jewish slave. He goes ballistic and kills him. 

         The next day Moses goes out again and he sees 2 Jews fighting, and—instead of minding his own business—he tries to break them up. They turn on him and they say: “Who made you a boss over us?” Moses then had to run for his life.

         Next, we find Moses arriving in Midian and he sees a group of shepherds mistreating the daughters of Yitro, and, instead of minding his own business, he gets involved and drives them away.

         Then, last month, in the sedra of Ki Tisa, Moses really loses it when he comes down from Mt. Sinai and sees Jews dancing around a golden calf! He smashes into pieces the tablets of the 10 Commandment—the holiest objects that ever were. He yells at his brother Aaron for making the calf. He takes his sword and calls for the Levites to join him in punishing those who worshipped the golden calf. Moses is furious. He gives in to his temper and takes action. 

In this week’s parsha, he does it again. On the day of his brother Aaron’s greatest joy—the day of his coronation as the High Priest—something goes very wrong, and 2 of Aaron’s sons die. Aaron is numb—stunned. He can’t talk or move. And yet Moses orders him to proceed with the final rites of the ordination ceremony, as if nothing has happened. When he sees that Aaron and his sons refuse to eat their holy meal as prescribed, Moses becomes furious and yells at them for disobeying his orders.

         Aaron, quietly but confidently, puts him in his place. He explains to Moses that he and his sons cannot eat of the sacrifice as he ordered them to do, because they are onanim, mourners, and Kohanim who are mourners must wait until their loved ones are buried before they can eat of the sacrifices again. They were not refusing to complete their task out of negligence or disrespect—but because they’re mourners.

         When Aaron explains this, Moses understands. He realizes the error is his. And, according to the Midrash (Vayikra Rabba 13:1), he apologizes, explaining to all that he was wrong and his brother, Aaron was right.

Don’t you love this Midrash? In how many other religions or cultures would the greatest hero confess that he had made a mistake? By confessing that he was wrong to the entire people, what a wonderful role model Moses becomes for us.

The great lesson here for me, however, is the destructive consequences of anger. No matter how smart or learned you may be, if you lose your temper, your judgment suffers. And here, because he was angry, he forgot a rule of law. This story cautions us against losing our temper too quickly…for if we don’t, we may make mistakes we’ll regret.

Research at Duke University, the University of North Carolina and elsewhere claim that anger and hostility can shorten your life! In fact, being prone to anger was a stronger predictor of dying young than were other risk factors such as smoking, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol!

So how shall we handle our anger? Here’s some advice from children: Morgan, age 11 says, “When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.” Lezlee, age 11 advises, “When your mother is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ it’s best not to answer her.” 

Here’s some adult advice I’ve shared with you before. I remember standing in line at Hartsfield airport waiting to have our baggage checked. The man standing in front of us didn’t offer the skycap a tip. Instead, he sternly lectured him about taking special care of his 2 bags. He even cursed him when one of his bags tipped over accidentally, then angrily stalked off toward his gate.

         As we stepped up to take our turn, the skycap had this broad grin on his face. I asked him how he was able to keep smiling given the sometimes-difficult people he had to deal with.

         “What do you mean?” he asked.

         “Like that man who just cursed you,” I replied.

         The skycap smiled and said, “Oh, that dude? People like him are easy. You see, he’s heading for L.A., but his bags are going to Detroit!!!” 

Surely the Torah does NOT teach us that we should never be angry. That’s contrary to human nature. And, besides, there are times when it is right and necessary to be angry. The prophets say that Gd hates evil and we should too. And King Solomon teaches in Kohelet (3:8): Eyt leh-ehov v’eyt linso, “There is a time to love and a time to hate,” a time to be angry.

Maimonides (Hilchot Deyot 2:3) quotes the “early Sages”: Kol hako-eys k’ilu oved avodat kochavim (Anyone who gets angry, it’s as if he worshipped idols). So if you get angry, it’s as if you worshipped idols—one of the 3 worst sins!

So how shall we handle our anger? The Torah says that we should emulate Gd and be one who is erech apayim (slow to anger). That means we should be angry when it is appropriate to be angry—but not hastily, not impetuously, not without 1^st giving some thought to the matter. Find out all the circumstances, then consider, “Do I want to be right…or do I want a relationship?”

There’s an old story of the artist who became dissatisfied with his work and told his wife, “I’m going out to search for the most important, the most beautiful thing in the world, and that’s the picture I must paint.” His travels took him to many countries. He saw many things that were beautiful, but he was not satisfied. He did not find what he was looking for.

         One day he stopped a bride on her wedding day. “Tell me,” he said to the radiant young girl, “what is the most beautiful thing in the world?” 

         “Love,” she answered without hesitation. The artist went on his way disappointed because he couldn’t paint love.

         Sometime later he met a soldier returning from war. “Soldier,” he said. “What’s the most beautiful thing in the world?” 

         “Peace,” the soldier answered as he hurried home. Again, the artist was disappointed for he couldn’t paint peace.

         Continuing his search, he stopped a Rabbi on the way to shul. Surely this holy man could help him. But the Rabbi answered simply, “Faith, my son, is the most beautiful thing in the world.” But how could one paint a picture of faith?

         The artist felt his search was hopeless and returned home, weary in body and in soul. Then, when his wife warmly greeted him, he found the love of which the bride had spoken. All about his home was the feeling of security, the tranquil peace that the soldier thought so beautiful. And in the eyes of his young children was the faith described by the Rabbi.

         Here was the subject for his painting—his family and his home! This would be his masterpiece.

My friends, the most crucial task incumbent upon every Jewish marriage is to create a home that is a bayit ne-eman b’Yisrael—a home filled with faith, peace and love. My prayer for Jonathan and Sarah is that 50 years hence, your masterpiece will be your home. Amen!