PINCHAS 5779

Do you know what a shadchan is? That’s right, it’s a matchmaker. It is a profession that was once very respected among Jews. And then, for some reason it virtually disappeared. And now, for some reason it’s making a comeback. And although there are now some very highly paid matchmakers—mostly for professionals and CEOs—today it mostly comes in the form of dating apps like Tinder, OKCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match, Bumble, Plenty of Fish or Harmony.

You can hardly turn on the tv without seeing an ad for a dating app. One has a good-looking man in his 50s coming out of a fire station politely taking leave of his buddies asking him to out for a drink. He turns to the camera saying, “My life is in order. My job is in order. There is just one aspect that I need to attend to.” And in the next scene, we see him meeting a lady. They kiss on the cheek and walk into a restaurant.

One ad has a woman saying, “I have a good business; I have a good life…now all I need is a relationship with a man.” And in the next scene, we see her downloading the app.

In another, a man over 60 is barbequing as he says, “Online dating? My buddie met a nice woman that way. I’m not sure where to look.” And then a female voice says, “Take out your phone and go to www.OurTime.com and take a look. It’s so easy on OurTime—the dating site for people over 50.”

And there are also Jewish sites like www.sawyouatSinai.com and  www.JRetroMatch.com that combine using the Internet with a real live shadchan. As you can see from these ads, the shadchan (matchmaker) has made a comeback.

You may be wondering why am I talking about matchmaking on Shabbos and what does it have to do with this week’s Torah portion? My colleague Rabbi Jack Reimer writes about an essay he read by Yonatan Bredni that raises the question all singles should think about: What are the characteristics that you should look for in choosing a mate?

Yonatan writes that every so often someone tries to fix him up and asks the same question: “Before we try to fix you up with someone, will you please tell us what you’re looking for in a girl.” It’s a fair question. Whenever he’s asked this question, he rattles off his list of the 4 main characteristics he’s looking for: she should be nice, she should be someone with good character traits like being kind and compassionate, she should be someone with a good sense of humor, and she should be good looking. He’s learned to put “good looking” last, because if you put it 1^st, they’ll think you’re shallow and superficial.

Then Mr. Bredni gives them his “not too” list as a follow-up:

She should be not too tall and not too short; she should be not too thin and not too fat; she should be not too religious and not too secular; she should not be too intellectual and not too un-intellectual; she should not be too aggressive and she should be not too passive.

But then the shadchan usually says: That’s very good, but please tell me what else you’re looking for in a mate beside these obvious things that everyone lists?

You see, he writes, everyone has the very same list. They all ask for a girl who is nice, of good character, with a sense of humor, and who’s nice looking. And so, if your list is exactly the same as every other guy’s list, that doesn’t help the matchmaker in his/her efforts to find the right girl for you.

Yonatan Bredni says that he never could come up with any more characteristics on his own till he read this week’s Torah portion, and it gave him an idea. Today’s parsha tells the story of the daughters of Tzelofchad: Machlah, Noa, Hoglah, Milka and Tirtza. When Moses was dividing the Promised Land by the male family leaders, the daughters of Tzelofchad came forward asking (Num. 27:3): “Our father died and left no sons, only daughters. And so, we would like permission to inherit land in the Land of Israel, so that his share of the land not be lost.” Moses took their case to Gd, and Gd granted their request. This is the 1^st recorded instance of standing up for the rights of women.

Yonatan Bredni writes that when he read this story, he was tempted to put on his list for characteristics of the girl he was looking for: “Someone who is open to the possibility of aliya                                                                                     (moving to Israel), and someone whose father has left her an apartment in Jerusalem.” But then, when he thought it over, he realized that these 5 young women had other qualities as well, and that these were qualities well-worth putting on his “what else” list:

1^st, they had manners. Look how politely they speak. They don’t picket, protest, threaten or yell. They simply make their case – firmly – but politely. And that is an important quality to look for in a mate. You don’t want someone who will make every disagreement into a showdown, do you?

2^nd, they had Jewish commitments. The men panicked every time there was trouble, and said: “Come, let us turn around and go back to Egypt.” These women said the opposite: “We want to go into the land of Israel, and we want to have a share in the land.” In other words, we believe in the vision that this land is our land. They were committed to do whatever it takes to be part of the Jewish vision – that is a good quality to have in a prospective bride.

3^rd, they were not competitive. Did you notice that in one verse their names are mentioned in one order, and further on [Num. 36:11] in another verse, their names are ordered differently? From this, the Sages learn that they were partners and not rivals in making their case. And wouldn’t you want to have a spouse who is not envious or competitive, but who is able to get along with her family and with yours?

And above all, they had courage. Can you imagine the bravery it must have taken for these 5 young women to stand up before Moses, the Kohen Gadol and the heads of the tribes and make their case? Courage is a good quality to look for in a bride, because the journey of life is filled with dangers, and it helps to have a brave woman/man at your side.

So, if you’re creating your personal profile on any of these dating apps and you’re limited as to how many characters you can use…you may write that you’re looking for someone who is, “nice, successful, with a sense of humor…and who is modest, kind, generous and nice looking,” or you may simple say that you’re looking for a daughter of Tzelofchad type of person.”

I, of course, would not think of filling out such a profile. If I did and Cheryl found out you probably would never see me anymore. All kidding aside, if I may say this without embarrassing her, Cheryl, my darling wife, is a bat Tzelofchad. She has all the qualities that these 5 daughters had. She has wisdom: she’s always right! [pause] If she had to make a case before a court, she would arrange her arguments carefully and persuasively, because she’s very smart—much smarter than I.

2^nd, she’s Jewishly committed. She comes to shul every Shabbos and expresses her love and her loyalty to Judaism in so many ways.

3^rd, she’s not an envious person. She’s generous and helpful to others when they’re in need, and honestly pleased for others when they’re happy.

And most of all, she has courage. Can I tell you how much courage she has? She once took one of my favorite jackets that I had worn for over 30 years…that I was emotionally attached to…and just because she thought it no longer fit that well, and just because she thought it looked a bit frayed and torn…do you know what she did? She threw it out??? Without even asking my permission! Can you believe that? Now that’s courage!

Cheryl is truly a disciple of the daughters of Tzelofchad, and so I consider myself fortunate to be married to her, and I will get over the loss of my jacket.

And I say to those of you who are here today who are single, if a friend is trying to be your matchmaker and asks you…or if a dating app asks you: “What kind of a woman/man are you looking for?” You can say all the usual things as to looks, temperament and character you wish…or else just say: “I want someone like the daughters of Tzelofchad.” And may Gd send you, as He did me, the answer to your dreams. And may my jacket rest in peace, wherever it is. Amen!

BALAK 5779

Let’s sing together the words of blessing from this morning’s Torah portion: Ma Tovu ohalecha Yaakov, mishknotecha Yisrael (How goodly are your tents, O’ Jacob, your dwelling places, O’ Israel). Yes, how wonderful is our spiritual home this morning with our new Aron Kodesh. Some 15 years ago, Israel Peljovich found a couple of ancient doors in a container from Spain that were about to be discarded and used for firewood. The artist in him immediately realized that there was something special about them. It turns out that these doors have the very same markings as some medieval synagogues in Spain from before the Inquisition of 1492, indicating that they are holy objects over 500 years old! Israel displayed the doors in our old shul for a while then took them to his shop to make a new Aron Kodesh from them.

It took some 15 years—mostly because he was waiting for them to have a permanent home—and today we see the fulfillment of Israel’s dream to create this new Aron Kodesh from these ancient holy doors. There are no words to tell you all the love and effort it took to make this happen. Some thought it may never happen. Baruch Hashem, thank Gd…it is here!

This is not too unlike the vision of President John Kennedy in 1961—when he refused to listen to the nay-sayers who said man would never travel to the moon—and declared before Congress that within the next 10 years, America will put a man on the moon. A short 8 years later, on July 20, 1969—exactly 50 years ago today—that promise came true as Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon declaring: “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” The whole world was awestruck. As president Richard Nixon told the astronauts on the moon: “For one priceless moment in the whole history of man, all the people on this Earth are truly one.” And they were.

50 years later, a lot has come out about this mission. Did you know that this project involved 400,000 engineers, scientists and technicians to build 5½ million parts? Many of the people involved didn’t work directly for NASA. They were private contractors, and sub-contractors who had never worked with anything involving aeronautics, let alone space travel.

The program manager of the Apollo project, George Muller —in order to make sure that everyone involved took the project seriously—took the astronauts around to the various factories so that the workers could meet them and understand that the lives of these astronauts were in their hands. One loose screw, one incorrect calculation could be the difference between life and death. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were the faces of the mission…but ultimately, these 400,000 people are the unsung heroes of Apollo 11—including the 3 black women who played a major role in the mathematical calculations, as portrayed in the movie “Hidden Figures.”

Just before Passover this year, Israel went to the moon. Did you ever think in your wildest dreams that this could happen? This made Israel only the 4^th country in history to land a spacecraft on the moon. Ok, the unoccupied spacecraft crash-landed. But the accomplishment of getting that far is still amazing. I’m sure there are many unsung heroes to Israel’s story as well.

In this morning’s Torah portion there’s an elaborate story, the end of which is that Bilaam’s attempts at cursing the Jews were turned into blessings—as the blessing Ma tovu we just sang attests. The amazing thing about the story is that the Jewish people had absolutely no idea it was happening. The interaction between Balak—the king of Moav—and Bilam—the heathen prophet—and the attempted curses that turned into blessings…takes place on cliffs that oversee the Jewish camp. But the Jews had absolutely no idea—until they later read the story in the Torah—that Gd was shielding them from harm, turning the curses into blessings. It’s a great example of how Gd has our backs!

Were you or someone you know ever involved in a terrible accident and somehow, miraculously, just walked away, suffering little or no injury? That’s Gd having your back. Did you ever make a wrong turn or for no reason take a different path and couldn’t figure out why? That could be Gd protecting you from some misfortune that was awaiting you.

 My friends, Gd watches over us and protects us in hundreds of different ways every day—in ways we’ll never know. It’s the ultimate demonstration of His love for us, for we can’t even thank Him for His protection because we’ll never know the extent of what He does for us.

 The Ralbag comments that the reason this story was included in the Torah was to let us know that the Children of Israel were protected from the curses of Bilam because of their actions. Bilaam blessed them with the Ma tovu blessing—that their homes will be blessed—because when he gazed upon them he saw they treated each other with respect and dignity—especially respecting each other’s privacy (Rashi). The message is that Gd will bless us hundreds of ways we may never know…Gd will have our backs…if treat each other with respect and follow His Torah.

We often overlook the significance of our actions. The technician in the Apollo mission who connected the sleeve of the flight suit to the body may never get recognized for his/her accomplishment, even though he/she would have received all the blame had there been some sort of malfunction. Ultimately, Gd knows the important role that everyone plays in life and rewards each of us accordingly. When we’re aware of how impactful our actions can be, we can look beyond who gets the credit and focus on what we can contribute.

Is there any limit as to what mankind can achieve? Author and motivational speaker Les Brown is known for saying “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” While the accuracy of this statement might be up for debate, the idea that we can succeed if we aim higher is certainly true. We should be proud of our fellow Jews in Israel who shot for the moon. They may not have hit it (well literally, they did), but they still reached for the stars. And today the pride is back for America as we commemorate the impossible feat of reaching the moon 50 years ago today. And we are proud of Israel Peljovich for his vision and stick-to-it-ness as we see right here in the amazing work of his hands.

The Apollo mission united the imagination of the world as never before. Again, as Nixon put it, “For one priceless moment in the whole history of man, all the people on this Earth are truly one.” My friends, let’s not settle for one priceless moment; let’s always shoot for the moon. Amen!

CHUKAT 5779

What do you do when you get angry? How do you handle it? The answer to that question will say a lot about you.

With that, the father took out his phone, placed it on speakerphone and punched in a random number. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There’s no Melvin living here. Why don’t you check a number before you make a call?” And with that he hung up.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch…”

The father pressed the same number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of nerve calling again!” And he hung up.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”        

He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, “HELLO!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

 Exasperation and anger seem to play a prominent role in today’s Torah reading.

 Rabi Arthur Lavinsky writes about daughter Shira who worked one summer as a cashier at grocery store. One day she told him: After ringing up an order, and bagging the groceries in plastic bags, customers would then say, “Would you mind putting that into PAPER bags?”

She said, “No problem,” and started the transfer. 

Then they’d say, “Would you mind double bagging?”

“No problem,” was her response. 

Then they said, “Maybe you can just put the packed plastic bags INSIDE of the paper bags.” 

Once again she consented. Then after almost everything was completed, the customer would say, “Oh, don’t bother dear.”

“But you know what Abba? I never lose my temper with anyone. I just serve them and smile.”

Rabbi Lavinsky then asked her, “Shira, that’s great! You kept your cool and I’m so proud of you. Do you think that maybe, just maybe, you might be able to take that skill home with you? Do you think that when Imma and I tell you something that you don’t quite feel like doing that you can simply comply and smile and never lose your temper?”

She giggled and said, “No Abba. I don’t have to do that at home because you know that you love me. If I lose my temper at work, they’ll fire me. What can YOU do to me?”

It’s true that we treat the ones we love differently than others. We sometimes will say and do things out of anger to the ones we love that we would never say or do to complete strangers.

The story in today’s Torah portion that’s so difficult to understand is the dismissal of Moses as the leader of Israel.  Okay, he was given notice; he wasn’t fired right away, but he was told that he would take the Jews into the Promised Land—this after dealing with a contentious nation for 40 years. It hardly seems fair.

Ok, Moses may not have followed Gd’s instructions to the letter…but what did he do to deserve such a harsh punishment? Yes, he struck the rock to get water when Gd told him just to speak to the rock. But there was no water in the desert, the people were thirsty, and that’s why they complained and rebelled. Confronted by the complainers, instead of talking to rock he strikes it—not once, but twice!

I don’t know about you, but this seems like a pretty harsh punishment for someone who had served Gd and the Jewish people in such an exemplary fashion for so long.

There are several explanations in our commentaries. Rashi follows the plain meaning of the text and says that Moses was punished because he hit the rock instead of speaking to it. Ibn Ezra says it was because he hit the rock twice. While Maimonides suggests it was because he lost his temper and angrily called the people a bunch of rebels. Even when you have unquestionable credentials like Moses, you don’t have the latitude to lash out at others. A leader can ill afford the lack of judgment and inflamed emotions that most of us experience from time to time behind closed doors.

Is this fair? Probably not. I wouldn’t want to be judged so harshly. But there were special circumstances here. How many times did Moses strike the rock? Twice! Had he done it once, perhaps Gd could have forgiven a moment of anger, but the fact that he repeated his action—the fact that he struck the rock a 2^nd time was his undoing. Usually, when we make a mistake—especially a really big mistake—we know it right away. We feel it in our gut. We recoil and try to pull back. Moses didn’t and he hit the rock again.

Some have suggested that Moses clearly had a problem with anger and this was not the 1^st time. When we 1^st meet Moses, he sees an Egyptian taskmaster beating a Jewish slave. He goes ballistic and kills him. 

The next day Moses goes out again and he sees 2 Jews fighting, and, instead of minding his own business, he tries to break them up. They turn on him saying: “Who made you a boss over us?” And Moses has to run for his life.

 

Next we find Moses arriving in Midian and he sees a group of shepherds mistreating the daughters of Yitro, and again, instead of minding his own business, he gets involved, fights with them and drives them away.

When he comes down from Mt. Sinai holding the 2 tablets of the 10 Commandments, he sees the people dancing around the Golden Calf and he really loses it. He smashes to pieces the tablets of the 10 Commandment—the most holy objects ever! After yelling at his brother Aaron for making the calf, he takes a sword and calls for the Levites to join him in punishing those who worshipped the Golden Calf. Moses is clearly furious. He gives in to his temper. No matter how smart you may be, no matter how learned you may be, if you lose your temper, your judgment suffers. 

So, my friends, how should we handle our anger? The Torah says that we should emulate Gd and be one who is erech apayim, “slow to anger.” That means we can get angry when it’s appropriate to be angry—but not hastily, not impetuously, not without 1^st giving some thought to the matter. 1^st, we must find out what the facts are. We must make sure that we’re not judging without knowing all the circumstances. Being “slow to anger” means not bursting out with an accusation and then finding out afterwards that you misjudged—that the person whom you were angry at is really innocent.

How many times have we all done that? She walked by and didn’t even say hello??? And then we find out what was going on in her life at that moment and why she was so preoccupied. He didn’t give as much to my favorite charity as I thought he should??? And then we find out what other financial burdens he was carrying, and we’re embarrassed at having misjudged him.

If Moses had been slow to anger, had he stopped to think and realized that the people were justified in demanding water—because no one can live for long without it—he might not have called them “rebels” and thereby lost his position as their leader.

My friends, it’s all right to get angry. It’s sometimes even a mitzvah to get angry. Be angry at injustice; be angry at poverty; be angry at evil. But no one should get angry quickly. We should be slow to anger. In Hebrew slow to anger is erech apayim. Erech in this context means “slow” and apayim comes from the word af, which literally means, “nostril.” Erech apayim literally means, “be slow to flare your nostrils.” Slow down before you get too hot.

 A husband asks his wife: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?” 

“I clean the toilet bowl.”

“How does that help?” asks the husband.

“Simple, I use your toothbrush!”

I think there is a great lesson to learn from the anger of Moses and to strive to be an erech apayim (slow to anger) like Gd. May we learn to slow down and not to fly off the handle, not go ballistic, not to lose it, but to be patient and slow to anger instead. Perhaps then we’ll not fear using our toothbrush in the morning! Amen!

SHLACH LECHA 5779

You get a call from a friend or a member of your family letting you know that a certain house is now for sale. You’re in the market for a new home so you ask him/her to check it out. Depending on how that person goes about checking out the prospective purchase, you may or may not want to pursue it further. For example, here’s one kind of report:

The house looks solid enough. Roomy, too. It has a big yard with fruit trees. In fact, we picked a couple of peaches and figs—not bad, eh? I can’t get in to see the inside because the agent demands an accepted offer 1^st. It’s been painted recently, so the price is very firm. Questionable neighborhood. Right down the street we saw some graffiti. Kids strolled by wearing their hats backwards. Could be gang infested.

And here’s another kind of report:

I got talking with the lady next door. I found out the owner is very anxious to sell—open to any offer. He just modernized the kitchen and redecorated, and then got transferred to the west coast. So he has no cash on hand to put down on a home there. Anyone with a large down payment can write their own ticket. Neighborhood Watch is very effective; no major problems.

Are these 2 people talking about the same house? Sure they are. Just as the 2 groups of spies we read about in today’s Torah and Haftorah portions. They were both talking about the same country. The difference was how they “checked it out.”

 The 12 spies Moses sends out in the Torah portion are dignitaries—princes, one from each tribe. They follow accepted protocols and procedures: they take samples of the fruit, assess the strength of the fortifications, take note of the appearance of the local population. If they only had a smart phone, maybe they could bring back pictures and videos to back up their report of 50-foot-high walls and giant men. By a vote of 10 to 2, they convince the people that—in the words of Star Trek’s the Borg, conquering the Promised Land is “futile”—Canaan cannot be conquered.

The 2 spies Joshua sends in the Haftorah are different. this is not a diplomatic mission like the 12 spies in our Torah portion but a true military mission and so the text never even mentions their names. But, according to Rashi quoting the Midrash, one of them is 80-year-old Caleb—one of 2 surviving members of the original 12 checker-outers from today’s Torah portion. Joshua himself being the other. The 2^nd spy Joshua sends, says Rashi, is Pinchas. Caleb was chosen for his wisdom and Pinchas for his strength and courage.

They don’t take notes and they don’t bring samples. They spend the night with Rachav, whom the text calls a zona—from the Hebrew zan (to feed) and usually translated as “innkeeper,” one providing accommodations to travelers, but its alternate usage as “harlot” indicates that perhaps she provides other comforts as well. She then trades her inside information for a guarantee of safety, and the 2 spies return with a message: the taking of Jericho, the city protecting the eastern front will be a “piece of cake”!

The contrast of these 2 reports is phenomenal. The negative report in our Torah portion brings on a punishment of 40 years in the desert as the Jews sinned by showing that their fear of death was stronger than their faith in Gd who had saved them with countless miracles. They even suggested—can you believe this—that they appoint a new leader to take them back to Egypt! However, the positive report in Haftorah from the 2 military spies empowers the people and they proceed to take over Jericho within a week.

My friends, Gd provides us with so many opportunities in our lives. But how often do we suffocate them by over-analyzing the difficulties and make them look insurmountable—discouraging us from moving forward?

How many of us say to ourselves: I am just too old to learn to use social media—like Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin and Twitter? Who could keep up with all those hundreds of supposed “friends” and all those “likes” and “dislikes?” It took me years just to learn to effectively use my Outlook email program.

Do you ask yourself: Do I have the discipline to change my health habits? After all, those exercise machines are really no better than a good walk around the block—are they not? Didn’t you hear about the guy who lost so much weight and built up his muscles—and died anyway? I don’t trust these diets either. Perhaps I should stay in the Aspirin and Omeprazole desert for another 40 years.

Or perhaps you ask: Can I really patch things up with my sister or brother or friend or father? So much time went by. She’ll consider me stupid for trying. Whatever happened between us isn’t even the issue any more. We just have different lives now. We build 50-foot walls between us. Our antagonism is too gigantic. Better to stay in the broigez (angry) desert for another 40 years.

Let me read you the story of a 24-year-old young man:

The boy was looking out a train’s window and shouted, “Dad, look the trees are going behind!”

Dad smiled and a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the 24-year-old’s childish behavior with pity, suddenly he again exclaimed, “Dad, look the clouds are running with us!”

The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man, “Why don’t you take your son to a good doctor? Obviously he needs help.”

The old man smiled and said, “I did and we are just coming from the hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today.”

Every single person on the planet has a story. Don’t judge people before you truly know them. Look for the positive in every situation. It just might surprise you.

My friends, let’s all take another look—check it out again. Maybe we can turn part of our future around. Take a message from your friendly “innkeeper”: Social media is just a tool, and it can improve your life as you connect with people you haven’t seen in years. The 1^st pastry you forego, and the 1^st stationary bike ride you take, can be the 1^st step to feeling better. And as for your sister, maybe you and she can both conclude that time wounds all heels and let bygones be bygones. But you take the 1^st step.

Like Joshua who blew the shofar as the people marched around Jericho for 7 days and the walls came tumbling down, blow your shofar loud enough, look for the good in people and things and your walls just may come tumbling down as well. Amen!