Cheer Up, You’ve Got Visitors

I remember when I was a kid and got sick and my family doctor came to our home. This helped forge a very close relationship between our family and our doctor. I still remember Dr. Max Kaplan z”l (may his memory be for a blessing) from my childhood and think of him from time to time with reverence, awe and a smile. Who makes house calls anymore? I’ll tell you who. While doctors don’t make house calls these days, Gd still does! And we should visit the sick as well—whether it’s at the hospital or at one’s home. The mitzvah of Bikur Cholim (visiting the sick) is a crucial lesson from today’s Torah portion. 

Today’s Torah portion begins with the 1^st scene in the Bible where someone is ill. Joseph is told that his father Jacob was ill, so he went to visit him. You might say, “One second, wasn’t Abraham sick? Didn’t Gd visit him?” No, he wasn’t sick, he was just weak from having his circumcision a couple of days earlier. It wasn’t an illness.  

Before Jacob, our Sages tell us, a person at the end of their life would just sneeze and die—not a bad way to go in comparison to some deathly illnesses. Again, one would sneeze and then die. That’s why—to this very day—we say things like, labriut (to your health), or “Gd bless you,” when someone sneezes. It’s in effect saying, “Don’t die!”

Our Sages suggest that it was Jacob who requested to have an illness. What? He wanted to be ill? No, he was not requesting a drawn-out painful affair. He just wanted some warning before he died, so that he could get his affairs in order, gather his children together and bless them—or for a couple of them, rebuke them—before he died. Gd granted his request and, according to the Sages, he was the 1^st person in history to take ill before he died.

Since then, many of us still get the same benefit of some illness, some forewarning before death, so that we know that our time is drawing near, and can set our affairs in order and say our goodbyes, and make peace with friends, family and with Gd before we go.

When you visit a sick person—whether it’s on their death bed or any illness—you’re doing a gigantic 2-fold mitzvah: you’re doing a kindness for another human being, and you’re imitating Gd. Remember, Gd visited Abraham in his recovery from circumcision. What does Gd say to Abraham? It appears from the text that Gd doesn’t say anything—He’s just there! Perhaps that’s the message!

Perhaps Gd was modeling for us the mitzvah of Bikur Cholim—that when you know someone is ill you should go visit them and it’s not so important what you say to them, only that you show up to comfort them. This is in fulfillment of the fundamental Torah principle, Ma Hu af Ata (as Gd does, so should we)—or as the philosophers call it, Imatateo Dei (imitating the Divine).

The Talmud (Nedarim 39b) tells us that even if you visit a person who’s asleep, it’s still a mitzvah. Why? because when they wake up and they’re told you came to visit, that will cheer them up! And, as it says in Proverbs (18:14): Ruach ish y’chalkeyl machaleyhu, “The spirit of a person sustains him through his illness.” And your visit can lift their spirits.

The Talmud goes further and says that when someone visits a sick person, the visitor takes away 1/60^th of the illness. Now, it’s not as simple as getting 60 people and cramming them into a hospital room or a bedroom—for 2 reasons:

         1: This won’t instantly cure someone because each visitor only takes away 1/60^th of the remaining illness—so there will always be some illness remaining.

         2: It only works if the visitor is of a similar disposition as the sick person. This makes sense because when you’re visiting a sick person, you’re there to cheer them up. If you’re a rival, or an enemy, or if you have an antagonistic relationship with them and you rile them up—then what’s the point of the visit? You haven’t cheered them up or alleviated any pain. So, one should be careful when visiting the sick.

Unfortunately, there have been times, as a rabbi, when I had to visit people who had terrible accidents. Once I was speaking with a personal injury lawyer representing one of them. [This was before my son-in-law Darren Tobin became one of the most prominent personal injury lawyers in Atlanta.] The lawyer told me about some fascinating research.

         Scientists did some functional MRI studies of comatose patients while they were doing MRIs. They brought in family members and had them tell these comatose patients stories of sad memories from their past. Lo and behold, they found that the same areas of the brain that would activate or light up when a person is sad, would light up in these comatose patients.

         Then they had the family members tell them happy memories, wouldn’t you know it, the pleasure centers of the brain—the areas that light up or activate when someone is happy—lit up, suggesting that one could cheer up even a person in a coma. And if you can cheer up a person who’s in a coma, obviously you could cheer up someone who’s awake!

Anyone who has ever been ill can testify to the healing power of a visitor. Of course, too many visitors can be taxing—just as visitors who overstay their welcome can be a burden. For the most part, caring visitors make a difference in our recovery. Let me illustrate with a story from my life:

         It is said that doctors are terrible patients. I’ll tell you a secret—Rabbis are worse! We think that because we work for Hashem, we deserve special consideration. We spend so much time preaching, teaching, dealing with lofty matters that we forget that we have no more control over the world than anyone else!

         In 2010, I learned this lesson the hard way when I came down with a severe case of diverticulitis. In the 25 years that I had been in Atlanta, I had never missed a Shabbat in shul that was not planned—not once! As I was waiting between tests in St. Joseph’s Emergency Room, I got on my cell phone to make calls to insure the Friday night minyan. I was pretty successful because who could say no to their rabbi calling from the emergency room of a hospital? I later realized I made a serious mistake. I should have asked for money!

         This illness made me aware of something I should have known. As a regular visitor to those who are hospitalized and homebound, I should have known just how powerful a visit or a prayer or a kind wish can be. The few minutes taken out of a busy day to visit someone who is sick, to call them on the phone, or even send them a text can be better than medicine.

Did these visits and prayers cure me? No, but they did take away some of the discomfort and angst that went along with being ill, and there was some spiritual healing as well. It made me feel stronger to know that someone cared. The children from our Religious School and my grandchildren who drew pictures for me, the brief phone calls from congregants, friends and family to check up on me reminded me that I was loved.

The Talmud (Nedarim 40a) tells us: “He who visits the sick causes him to live.” Bikur cholim is a mitzvah everyone can perform. What a privilege it is to know that we have the power to bring comfort and healing to someone who is sick or suffering. The isolation and depression which accompany an illness, even a minor one like diverticulitis, can feel like a spiritual death. We ought to remember that the call we make is not a social call, but a mitzvah call.

My friends, if I can leave you with one message today, it is that Bikur Cholim is not a Rabbi’s Mitzvah. Of course, people want their Rabbi to visit them when they’re not feeling well—although Covid and our increased sensitivities to catching an illness has complicated that. But we all have a measure of healing we can offer one another.

I ask you, this holiday weekend when you probably have some free time, find or make some time to visit a sick relative or friend, or at least give them a call. Who knows, you just may make their day and more! Amen!

VAYIGASH 5784

Slow Down, Displaying Your Anger Never Helps

A rabbi went to his shul on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the synagogue parking lot. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the rabbi to the Health Department.

         The Health Department said that since there was no immediate health threat, he should call the Sanitation Department. The manager of the Sanitation Department said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

         Now the rabbi knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him—for the mayor had a bad temper and was generally difficult. But he had no choice and made the call. The mayor did not disappoint him. He began to rant and rave at the rabbi and finally said, “Why did you call me? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”

         The rabbi was furious. He closed his eyes for a brief prayer and asked Gd to give him patience and a good answer. After a few moments, he replied, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

My friends, controlling our emotions—especially our anger—is a challenge we all face. And let’s admit that it’s not always possible to control our emotions. There are cases that are simply so painful they cause us to break down or blow up.

We see it in this week’s Torah portion as Joseph reaches his breaking point in dealing with his brothers. They had come to Egypt seeking grain during the great famine. They didn’t recognize Joseph who was now Prime Minister of Egypt and whom they had not seen for 22 years. Joseph treated them harshly, took their brother Simon hostage, and sent them home to bring brother Benjamin. When they returned with Benjamin, Joseph accused him of stealing his silver goblet.

All this was a setup to see if his brothers had changed from the gang that sold him into slavery. When Joseph heard them tell each other how sorry they were for what they had done to him years ago—not realizing Joseph could understand them speaking Hebrew—the Torah (Gen. 45:1) tells us: V’lo yachol Yosef l’hitapeyk (Joseph was not able to restrain himself). So, he cleared the room and said to his brothers: Ani Yosef achichem asher m’chartem oti Mitzrayima (I am Joseph your brother whom you sold into Egypt)!

This was Joseph’s breaking point. It’s understandable that he could no longer restrain himself. The amazing thing, however, is that up until that moment, he did restrain himself. It’s amazing that when Joseph first saw them, he didn’t reveal himself, chastise them, beat them or kill them. He somehow kept his composure demonstrating such a high threshold for not losing it—and that’s incredible, something we all need to learn from Joseph.

Learning to control our emotions is one of the great lessons in our parsha. I’m not saying that we need to be like Mr. Spock and the Vulcans of Star Trek. I’m not saying that we should be emotionless like the Artificial Intelligence on our computers. But I do believe that we need to control our emotions as much as possible. As a couples’ therapist I ask my couples all the time, “Did raising your voice ever get you the best result for you?” Never once did anyone say, “Yes.”

If you look through the Torah, you’ll see disaster after disaster that a lack of emotional control causes. Here’s a sampling:

·       Cain kills Abel because he can’t control his anger and jealousy.

·   Esav gives up his birthright because his hunger overrules his brain.

·      Simon and Levi kill a whole town because their rage about their sister Dinah’s rape knows no boundaries.

·       Moses orders the death of thousands because of the sin of the Golden Calf.

My friends, these passages reflect the reality of our lives. For some, all it takes is a little push and they go boom. Consider this from the BBC: A man in the US city of Colorado Springs faces police action after becoming so frustrated with his computer that he took it outside and shot it 8 times … Lucas Hinch “shot the darn thing” when ctrl+alt+delete—the traditional method used to re-boot computers—consistently did not work on Monday evening … The computer is not expected to recover.”

I am sad to report that even houses of Gd are not immune: In North Wales, Pennsylvania, at the Keystone Fellowship Church, Mark Storms found a man sitting in his seat and told him to get out so he could sit in his seat. Rather than move, the man started arguing with him. There was some shoving, some potty mouth, and all of a sudden, Mark Storms brings out a semiautomatic handgun and blows the guy away. In church!

Let me ask you: Do you find yourself getting ticked off more often than you used to? If the answer is yes, you’re not alone. Some 84% of people surveyed said Americans are angrier today compared with a generation ago (NPR-IBM Watson Health poll). When asked about their own feelings, 42% of those polled said they were angrier in the past year than they had been the year before. What makes people mad today?

·       1^st of all, it’s the News: 68% of respondents said they got angry at least once a day after reading or hearing something upsetting in the news.

·       Next comes Social Media: People are more likely to express their anger on social media than in person—said 9 out of 10 people.

·       Women are angrier than men. Whites are angrier than blacks. Both rich and poor are a lot less angry than the middle class. So, if you’re a white, middle-class woman who scans the headlines all day, you’re more likely than not to be among the angriest of Americans.

Research at Duke University, the University of North Carolina and elsewhere claim that anger and hostility can shorten your life! In fact, being prone to anger was a stronger predictor of dying young than smoking, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol!

So how shall we handle our anger? Here’s some advice from Morgan, age 11: “When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.” Lezlee, also age 11 advises, “When your mother is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ it’s best not to answer.” 

Surely the Torah does NOT teach us that we should never be angry. There are times when it is right and necessary to be angry. The prophets say that Gd hates evil and we should too. And King Solomon teaches in Kohelet (3:8): Eyt leh-ehov v’eyt linso, “There is a time to love and a time to hate”—a time to be angry.

Maimonides (Hilchot Deyot 2:3) quotes the early Sages: “Anyone who gets angry, it’s as if he worshipped idols”—one of the 3 worst sins! Wow, anger is like idolatry! Again, so how shall we handle our anger? The Torah says that we should emulate Gd and like Gd, be one who is erech apayim (slow to anger). This means we should be angry when it is appropriate to be angry, and like Joseph, not hastily, not impetuously, not without first giving it some thought.

First, find out what the facts are so we don’t judge without knowing all the circumstances. Being “slow to anger” means not bursting out with accusations and then finding out afterwards that we misjudged—that the person whom we are angry at, is innocent.

How many times have we all done that? He walked by and didn’t even say hello??? And then we find out what was going on in his life at that moment and why he was so preoccupied. He didn’t give as much to this charity I was volunteering for as I thought he should. And then we find out what other financial burdens he was carrying, and we’re embarrassed at having misjudged him. Like Jospeh, instead of “flying off the handle,” we need to slow down. Like Joseph with his brothers, instead of “losing it,” we need to find within ourselves the patience to make sure that we are right before we act.

The increasing anger and hate at the pro-Hamas antisemitic rallies are a case in point. Most of the participants, I suspect, are being manipulated and have little idea of what they are protesting for, little idea of the history of Israel and the Arabs, and little idea of what Hamas really stands for.

My friends, we all need to learn how to take a step back when emotions well up, take a deep breath, get some perspective, and extinguish the fuse of our rage before the explosion. May Gd help us confront all the challenges life throws at us in a manner that would make Him proud. Amen!